Children seldom misquote their parents. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what we shouldn't have said! Our words as well as our focus are powerful indeed. Be aware of the language we use when interacting with kids and hone in like a laser beam on the positive characteristics that they have that will help them be successful.

A recent telephone conversation with my son who is living on the other side of the world in Canada reinforced how the seeds that parents sew in children’s minds can have a mighty, unforeseen impact.

My son and I were discussing some of the difficulties he has experienced living and working in a foreign place so far away from home. I noted that he has been remarkably resourceful in the way he has found work, met new friends and begun what seems to be an alternative life to the one he enjoys in Australia. All at a young age.

He was surprised by my compliment saying, “You always said I am resilient. You even said that in your speech at my good-bye party. Don’t you remember.”

He was right. He has heard me focus on his resilience (which I have always found to be remarkable) many times. Somehow the message of “you are resilient” has stuck and resilience has become part of his self-concept. For that I am grateful as now, more than ever, he needs to be resilient to cope with some pretty difficult conditions.

I have always believed that children seldom misquote their parents. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what we shouldn’t have said! Our words as well as our focus are powerful indeed.

Martin Seligman, author of The Optimistic Child, found through his significant research that children tended to pick up the language and explanatory style of their parents (usually mothers) by around the age of eight. So the messages that we repeat for kids certainly have an impact.

So what is the point? Be aware of the language we use when interacting with kids and hone in like a laser beam on the positive characteristics that they have that will help them be successful.

Michael Bernard, author of Program Achieve, has found five characteristics that successful children share beyond pure academic abilities. These are:

• Resilience
• Persistence
• Friendship skills
• Organisational skills
• Confidence

These are not the only skills kids need to be successful and happy, but they form a solid basis.

Bernard noted that children who had these characteristics actually thought of themselves in these ways. In other words, confident kids actually knew they were confident and resilient kids, like my son, could articulate that they were resilient (even if they didn’t use those words). It is how children think about themselves that is the key here.

There are many ways to sew the seeds to success in your children. However following are two simple strategies I often recommend to parents who want to sew some positive seeds. They are: descriptive praise and summary praise. I am not in favour of using praise when it is unrealistic or puts a child on a pedestal. However, when used wisely it can sew the seeds of success that can come to the fore at a later date.

• Descriptive praise: Throw a spotlight on the positive behaviours. Rather than a trite ‘well done’, draw a word picture of what they did well and let them know its impact. “You are such a good friend. Jenna really needed someone to help her with that problem. You acted like a good friend should.” Such comments genuinely made become stored in their memory and become part of their Internal Character Reference System (ICRS).

• Summary praise: Give children positive labels to live up to by summing up their positive behaviours with one word. “You really worked hard to finish your project. That’s what I call persistence.” “You cleaned up the kitchen without being told. You are a self-starter.” Persistence and self-starter become part of your children’s ICRS

Children take their cues from their parents about how they should see themselves. Peers are influential, but it is parents who as significant adults in their lives that hold most of the aces in this important area.

We need to have our antennae up for the positive behaviours and, importantly, point them out to kids when they occur.